Some very intelligent people are quite stupid

I have been contemplating for a while to post this or not for a long time. This is one of the hardest post I will hopefully ever post. I need to do this to deal with everything. So I hope you guys can be nice with what you say in responding to this post. Well here goes nothing...

I was watching the new Footloose with a friend the other day. I have never seen the original movie but this one was really good I enjoyed it a lot. Not knowing what to expect I was surprised by all the bible references that were used in the movie and all the realistic scenarios that happen in real life. The one thing that got me was that Julianne Hough was in such an abusive relationship. This hit close to home.

I believe that most of us, especially those of us who have mental health disorders, feel guilt in situations where we have no business whatsoever feeling guilt.

It is easy to just look at our behavior, the situation and ourselves and say "I'm guilty! I am ashamed." Now let's back up a bit here.

When I say look at ourselves, it might benefit most of us to look a little deeper. We are complex, complicated creatures and our motivation for doing or not doing something is not just based on our personality, our will, etc.
What do I mean? Let me give you an example of something that may help you see this picture more clearly.

I had been seeing a man who was extremely emotionally, verbally, physically abusive. Now of course I was not aware of his abuse issues at first but I will admit that I saw red flags right from the start.

Example the first time we hung out just the two of us...we weren't able to get in his dorm building, but after two tries and finally having to call security to get us in we finally got in. Crazy side note that I feel is valid here while the guy I was hanging out with was talking to the other security guy...The other two security guards turned to me and asked how old I was. Of course being kinda scared I didn't want to get into trouble I told them my age. Than they later proceeded to ask me why I was wasting my time with this guy? The was probably the tenth warning I had gotten that day that I shouldn't have been there but I didn't listen to all of these signs.

The situation I recently faced was a history of 8 or 9 months seeing this guy, addicted to him, and no matter how much I complained to him about his behavior, I kept going back. I would continue to go back into a little denial that really he is not abusive and that one day he would change and Id be that girl that changed him. I had a very difficult time facing reality because like any addiction, I would occasionally get what I call "adrenalin shots." These "shots" kept me hooked in a situation that I could not get out of. I could not get out of this relationship.

I did notice as I worked harder to get out, he trumped up his abuse. Finally the abuse became so bad that  this relationship wasn't just affecting me. It was affecting the people around me that loved me and couldn't watch me go through this. I had to make a choice to stick with someone I cared deeply about but didn't care about me or end this abusive relationship.

Of course I knew it was my responsibility to get out I noticed that every time I tried to get out I felt sick. I prayed and prayed to God and asked Him to assist me, but I couldn't get out and if I got close to getting out he knew just how to suck me back in. Wonderful words he would say - tell me just what I needed to hear.
During this time I felt TREMENDOUS guilt that I could not leave the relationship. It was humiliating to keep enduring his abuse. Every one told me he was playing head games with me, playing with me, etc. This knowledge was very difficult to assimilate and I so needed to believe that he truly loved and cared about me and that I was special to him. I felt I couldn't face any other reality, as it was too painful.